Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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