I haven't been this sober since birth.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
