Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
