Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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