I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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