I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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