Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
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Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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