I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
