watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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