Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
