Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I smell like Dick and happiness
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