Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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