I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
