Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
