Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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