a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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