What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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