so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
