Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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