why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
