I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
