Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
