Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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