he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There r osticjed everywhere
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
