All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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