so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
