I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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