i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
