i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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