i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
