Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
