Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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