He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize