btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
