My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
