God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
