I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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