I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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