matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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