i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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