i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
