If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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