Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
