Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
