i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
