I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
