Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
