if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
