i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
