i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
