You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I fill condoms, not promises.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
