Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize