Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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