wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
