Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I will be naked everywhere
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
